6820 Pacific Ave., Ste. 2-B Stockton, CA 95207 (209)472-0722 www.egreen.net.

Welcome to our new, techno-upgraded, EVERGREEN OUTREACH!

Early this year we (Frank and Ginny) lost three friends in two weeks. One was murdered, one died from an incurable illness, and one was winning a battle with cancer but died of a sudden infection. Shortly thereafter, my (Ginny’s) father died, and three weeks later my mother died, both in their nineties and both in their sleep.

The most important thing I’ve learned recently is that although we often hear, “He was loved by all,” or “Everyone loved her,” in the final analysis I don’t believe it’s about being well loved. It’s about loving well. Feelings about us come from others and are directed at us. They are external factors in our lives; whereas feelings we experience about others are internal. They’re a part of who we are.

Early in life we must rely on others to nurture and protect us, but too often adults continue looking to others for the feeling of love. This can be toxic when it involves someone who cannot or simply does not love us, because we have no control over their feelings and our unrewarded efforts can make us feel unworthy. Sometimes a pattern develops, and we pursue other relationships that seem familiar to us (unloving).

The solution? Get inside yourself and build upon your own ability to feel loving, rather than loved. Love is a choice. Make it a healthy one. Loving a dog doesn’t mean kicking it when you’ve had a bad day. Loving a good book or movie doesn’t mean feeling helpless or depressed or scared when it’s ended. Loving a hobby doesn’t mean letting it draw you away from areas of your life that deserve higher priority. Loving your home doesn’t mean letting it fall into disrepair or fill with meaningless clutter. Loving a job doesn’t mean working so hard at it that you become chronically sick and tired -- not necessarily in that order.

Of course it begins with loving yourself, which comes naturally to some, but for others must (and can) be learned. Two factors play into the lesson plan: (1) Spend time quality alone, being good to yourself in truly meaningful ways. (2) Spend quality time with others who inspire you, encourage you, and help you create a better life for yourself. These two steps address both the internal and external pulls upon us that move us through life in one direction or the other… ideally toward becoming more loving, so that in the end others will say of us not that we were well loved, but that we loved well.

Now on a lighter note: My mother was a compulsive hoarder (yes, it is a mental disorder). After throwing away truckloads of useless clutter from her house, my sister and I held a huge garage sale. It was actually fun seeing interesting items find new owners who truly appreciated them. One woman found a piece she’d been needing for three years, to complete a set. A man bought a large box of snapshots of flowers, to create oil paintings (which was what my mother had intended to do herself, “someday”). A little boy holding two 99-cent back scratchers asked “How much?” and when I told him they were worth at least $5 each but for him they’d be free, his smile was priceless!